Returning to Work
I want to start this out with a disclaimer. This is very much MY experience and MY story. Everyone’s journey into parenthood and working (or not working) is completely different.
It sounds like a cliche and so very obvious but having a baby really did change my ENTIRE life. For me it came on gradually while I was pregnant but then as soon as I had Oscar everything became completely different almost overnight: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. My whole being became dedicated to this tiny human. Initially so I could keep him alive but now I’m just obsessed with spending as much time being in his company as possible. They really are only little for such a short time and I want to soak up as many seconds as I can. My motivations are completely different now to what they were even while I was pregnant, and Oscar is nearly three.
This obviously made returning to work a hugely emotional and at times overwhelming experience (and to be honest it still is). Where I worked while I was pregnant was…interesting. Very demanding and fast paced. The company expected a lot from you and if you couldn’t deliver then that was very much your problem to solve. It didn’t matter that you were doing three jobs with 10p as a budget to produce results. “Just f***ing do it” was almost a motto.
So when the business went through a massive series of changes while I was on maternity leave I thought I needed to prepare myself for not being able to return. A series of fortunate events meant that I managed to pick up marketing consultancy work that I could expand if I wasn’t able to return but that I could also do while I had a napping baby next to me. This was a really tough decision as I obviously missed out on a lot of potential rest to ensure I had options when my maternity leave ended.
In the end it turned out to be the right decision though. Unfortunately the company changes meant my manager and most of my colleagues left but those who did remain were supportive and, I think, wanted me to come back. But the marketing team structure had changed and I was essentially asked to do three manager roles…with a one year old…for no extra money…not an ideal option.
So I decided to step away and build my own business. Looking back I’m proud of what I accomplished. I managed to replace my salary within three months and built a schedule that worked for our little family. I initially put Oscar into nursery two days a week, with my parents looking after him another day but I had to extend nursery to three days after six months, so I didn’t have to work every nap time and evening. The compromise of spending the extra money to gain that sanity and time felt worth it but I couldn’t afford for him to go full time. I feel so privileged to have been in this position though. I know it’s not something everyone has the opportunity to do.
And there in lies the problem we face as parents but particularly as mothers. As soon as we become pregnant choice and opportunity seem to be things that aren’t as readily available as they were before, along with sleep, long soaks in the bath, time to do your make up and enjoying a HOT cup of tea!
Our society attacks us on multiple fronts when you return to work:
There’s the financial dynamic to balance: does returning to work and putting your child into nursery mean that you’re essentially just working to pay for nursery? That’s a real possibility for a lot of mothers.
If you do return to work then there’s the mental dynamic of having to balance being available to your work place while also battling for the flexibility you need as a parent. I’m sorry but kids at nursery get sick all the fricking time, so being able to take time off or work different hours is essential (but often not available).
When you combine that with the emotional toll being separated from your child can cause, I’m not surprised some women think “this isn’t worth it, I’ll just stay at home and we’ll figure it out”.
But that’s insane! How are we living in a society where you can CHOOSE to order all matters of useless junk to your house in hours but a huge proportion of the population can’t choose to care for the next generation of workers while also working themselves?
Things need to change. That’s why groups like Pregnant Then Screwed are so important. We need action and we need it now.
I don’t think society and companies will be able to address the emotional toll that returning to work can have on you as a mother. But they can help with the financial and mental dynamics, so the workplace is a positive place to return to and childcare is an option that’s more affordable. We’ve figured out answers to more complicated problems that have a lot less benefits than this would bring.